Scott Speaks

or “3 Bands I Only Recently Got Into That Have Been Out For A While”

Pepper – Oh KTCL. How you turned me onto so much new music as a youth. How you slowly but steadily played less and less music I like. How you try so hard to repeatedly cram horrible bands like the Red Hot Chili Peppers down my throat EVERY TIME I TURN THE RADIO ON I SWEAR TO GOD.

And how you love to overly play music. A lot (see also: new song from The Fray).

When “Ashes” was out…I didn’t hate it. But good lord, after hearing it every time I turned on the radio, I was SO over it. And it took years until the song was out of heavy rotation. Who the hell loved that song THAT much?!? Needless to say, I never got any of their albums.

In steps Guitar Hero World Tour and their delicious downloadable new tracks. At the end of December, they gave away three free reggae songs. Pretty festive of them, I thought. Slightly Stoopid’s “Jimi,” which I like, and some song by at band I hadn’t heard of called The Expendables. It’s a good song actually. And then there was one by Pepper. Thank freaking god it wasn’t Ashes, it was a song called “Your Face.” This intrigued me, because if there’s any words I use more in a day besides “the,” “a,” or “need to pee”…it’s “your face!” Example:

Lexie: “The AFC West was horrible this year.”

Me: “YOUR FACE was horrible this year!”

And so on.

Turns out this song is awesome. Really awesome. Catchy chorus, dancey reggae rhythm, and pretty difficult guitar part when you’re playing on expert (and as I found out tonight, and even harder drum part). So I downloaded like 4 of their albums…and I totally dig them. They have songs about Stormtroopers and Pussy Lickin’…what’s not to like? Definitely worth a check out if you’re feelin some hot, hot, modern reggae action.

Tokio Hotel – Something lately has driven me to listen to a little of what the kids call “punk rock.” I get in moods. And thanks to the wonders of genius playlists, I can select a song…say Alkaline Trio’s “Calling All Skeletons”…and magically get a 100 song playlist of (mostly) gold. The crazy part? Shit I didn’t even know I have comes up. Actually, that happens a lot. I guess when one has a quite large musical library, one should really take more time to listen to it (120 GB and growing!). One such song, that I actually knew I downloaded cause I read about them somewhere, was Tokio Hotel’s “Scream.” For those who don’t know, Tokio Hotel is a band from germany that’s been around since 2001…and they started it when they were frickin 13 years old! Naturally, I had low expectations.

I finally got their album “Scream,” which I think actually came out in 2007 (when they were 18!), and after that song came up, I decided to listen to the whole thing. And hey, these little shits are good! Turns out their song “Monsoon” is also on guitar hero, and the whole album was extremely listenable, which I can’t say for every punk or pop-punk album that’s came out in the last few years. For a bunch of snot-nosed kids, they’re good man.

Battles – Here’s another one, from 2007, that I can partly chalk up to genius playlists and partly to video games. But in this case, it was mostly Scott’s fault. When he was Alpha Male at work, he was the main DJ. And OH how he loves his music. While much of what I had for the year we worked together was taken from him, his collection far eclipses mine and I wouldn’t know most of it. But ever since he left and I took over Alpha Male DJ, I sometimes hear songs I took from him that I don’t even remember taking. And I’ve HEARD them too…there’s so many songs I heard in the background at work and thought, “Hey, that’s a good song,” but I couldn’t have possibly downloaded them all.

Fast forward to a month ago…when my new co-worker Brian likes a song, he REALLY likes a song. And plays it. On repeat. All day. ALL DAY. One such song he got obsessed with was “Atlas” by Battles, which is apparently also on Little Big Planet, a game he loves. I decided to give the whole album a whirl. I’ll tell you, it’s currently my reigning champion of music to listen too while snowboarding. It’s very experimental indie-rock, with no real vocals…although you can TOTALLY sing along. They sorta just make sounds. There could be words hidden in there, but I like singing the noises I heard better anyway. And man, when you’re just cruising down the mountain with your head bopping to a song while singing “HEE A HOY A HEE A HOY A HEE A HOY A HEE A HOY A,” there’s a zone there you just cannot re-create any other way.

Oh, and apologies for the KTCL bashing…no hard feelings guys, I’ve been listening since I was 12. I mean they DID just give Jami 3OH!3 tickets in a contest she won…

Also, here’s a quick video:
Writing blogs on 12seconds.tv

Coffee truly is an amazing beverage. I experience many different dips in mood during the morning (as illustrated by the chart above) and coffee plays a huge factor. Of course when I first wake up, I’m grumpier than a late shift 7-11 clerk. The only thing that could make me happy is more sleep, and if that’s not an option (i.e. it’s Saturday and I slept in plenty), then the only thing that’s gonna work is coffee. The grumpiness doesn’t dwindle for quite some time. I’d say I’m grumpy up until around 9:15/9:30 on an average work day. By that time, I’ve easily finished my first travel mug of coffee, coincidentally. I take two travel mugs of coffee with me every morning, so when I suffer from extreme hypertension in 10 years, remind me it’s because of what I’m doing right now.

Around 9:30, I proceed to pour the 2nd cup of coffee into the first cup. Yes, this seems like a ridiculous, unnecessary step, but my 2nd mug, which is only in use for it’s thermal properties…sucks ass to drink out of. There’s no air hole or vent, so the coffee pours out like a milk jug turned directly upside down (go try it in the bathtub…I’ll wait.)

The second cup is usually polished off in an hour. I’m always a little sad when it happens, plus it brings a dilemma. My cereal was 3.5 hours ago and I’ve drank 32 ounces of coffee…I’m hungry, yet still want more coffee. It’s 10:30. Do I make more coffee? I mean I think I’ve had plenty by this point. Do I eat an early lunch? No, then I’ll be starving by 3:30 and won’t be able to wait until 6 for dinner. Plus, I traditionally eat around 11:15 – 11:30. I like to eat an early lunch so I have my whole afternoon to focus on work (or internet surfing, depends on the economy that week). Thus is my daily dilemma. Usually sucking it up and not doing either is the answer, but my lunch is nuked and ready to go at 11:15 if that’s the case.

Coffee also heavily influences my grocery shopping trips. I can do without most things. If I’m out of soda for my lunch, I can always buy one at work. If I’m out of milk, I’ll whine a lot about not getting my cereal, but I can be satisfied with some toast or oatmeal or leftover Pad Thai from 2 weeks ago that I forgot was in there. But coffee…now there’s something I just can’t substitute. I’ve tried energy drinks and cold coffee drinks in can, but they’re just not the same, man. Coffee’s more about the experience…the essence, the flavor, the alertness-inducing smells…not just the caffeine. If I’m desperate it’s ok…in the same way that masturbating if I can’t get sex is ok. But in both cases…it’s just not the same.

I’m a grinder. It’s whole bean or nothing at my house. Grinding the beans unlocks the full flavor and smells of the beans, and you want to keep those trapped inside as long as possible. Ground coffee…especially ground Starbucks coffee…just leaves me empty inside, and probably tastes burnt. I can’t stand most Starbucks coffees, they just don’t do it for me. I like the exotic stuff…the shade-grown Peruvian, the delightful light and dark blend of Scandinavian, the Fair Trade Organic-so-it’s-makes-me-a-better-person Mexican blend…just not the house blend, it’s like the Keystone Light of coffee. It does the job, but it can lead to bad decisions and you just feel ashamed of yourself in the morning.

Plus, it keeps me healthier than a horse (or in my case, a stressed-out, overweight horse with stomach acid problems). Coffee is filled with anti-oxidants, and has recently been shown to reduce the risk of type 2 diabetes. It has the caffeine of course, which is not only an effective mood-lifter, but an amazing way to help clear your head of headaches (and if that doesn’t work, my other favorite drink is whiskey, which always works). And, I think most importantly, it’s a diuretic that plays an important role in keeping me regular.

And I will end this post with you thinking about poop. I need some coffee.

So as it turns out…I still have a blog. I thought they expired after a few months. Not so much disappear, but just not the same as it used to be. You know how a can of Coke can go bad after a few months, even if it’s still sealed, and it just doesn’t taste the same as a new can? That’s kinda what I thought would happen. Like the internet would be like: “Hey, this Scott Speaks…it’s ok. I mean it’s not fresh anymore, but it still has the caffeine.”

Well, it’s time to open a fresh can of Coke as it were. I know my crazy desire to have a strong online presence comes and goes (and comes and goes (and comes and goes (and comes and goes))), but  I’ve been feelin’ it lately. Plus this week, for whatever random reason, I think 4 people have asked about my blog. So I updated my Wordpress to version 2.7 finally, fixed my add-ons, set up a couple new feeds, including what is hopefully going to update twitter/facebook automatically when I post a new blog…all kinds of fun stuff. Long term, like in the next month, I’d really like to get a new theme happening. I changed the background color for now, just to set the mood (ladies), but I think I’m ready for a new design. I’ve been looking at making a new portfolio website as well, so I think they need to compliment each other.

First off, I just wanted to say that there are several ways to keep up with me, even when I haven’t written a post in 4 months:

• Twitter – I update my Twitter at least twice a day. It’s like the mini-version of Scott Speaks. Random thoughts, links I found, what I’m working on…everything’s game. I recommend Twitter if you’ve ever wanted to follow a lot of news online and dump your brain droppings to your heart’s content. This is the best way to stalk me and know my every thought and move.
• Facebook – My Facebook status is synched with Twitter, so that gets updated a lot. Also, I’m constantly commenting on things and I upload photos sometimes. If you don’t have a Facebook…well you should, dammit people! What is this, 2003?!? Just get one!
• IM – You can IM me whenever the hell you want. Granted I’m at work usually when I’m online and I can’t always chit chat, so don’t be offended if I ignore you. But I’m on a lot so send me a hello and an emoticon with the pukey face. (on AIM, I’m ScottyF420 or scott_fassett at mac dot com, on googletalk I’m scottyf311 at google dot com).

That aside, there’s going to be more blogging. There’s been several things lately that gave me an idea for a blog, but for whatever reason I just haven’t gotten to the computer. Plus, I mean…there was a point where I was like “well shit it’s been 2 months, why start again now? I mean if you were all up in some girl’s bidness for 10 days straight and then just stopped talking to her for 4 months and 3 days, can you randomly say hi again?”  The answer to that question is no…but I’m hoping for you, dear internet, it’s yes.

10 blogs in 10 days. I held to my word. What.

Yes, this is all you get for today, and yes, this counts as a post.

Now that I’m in the habit, I have some ideas for some more blogs, plus I still gotta get some labor day pictures up, so there will be more next week…just not every day. But hey…I’m back, baby.

Have a great weekend, ya beautiful bastards.

Here’s the thing about salsa dancing: I’m a goddam pro.

I should be teaching this stuff.

The teacher was so impressed, she was all “you know what…you should just lead the class.”

“I don’t know, coach…do you really think I’m ready?”

“I believe in you, son. Now get in there and give me the best you’ve got.”

And as you can imagine, none of this happened. The thing about salsa dancing is…it’s kinda tricky.

We hit up La Rumba tonight for the free lesson and dancing afterward. I didn’t really want to go. At all. If nothing else, who teaches salsa at 9:30 on a work night? And furthermore…since when did I become such a pussy that 9:30 on a work night was literally an issue?!?

But alas, I went. I’ve told Jami for months I would go, and tonight it was for Katie’s birthday week, so I had to go. This thing was a hell of a lot more popular than I thought, I’ll tell you that. We got there a little early and the place was pretty much ours…but half an hour later, it was packed. There’s a free half-hour lesson, and then the rest of the night is dancing.

Now the lesson I killed. Smoked even. Some might even say…torched. I had “The Basic” and “The Turn” pretty much permanently engraved in my memory, and my feet were moving as if they were guided by a force much greater than my coordination.

That’s good and all, but what happens when you apply this knowledge?

Well, I’ll just say that Jami can’t feel her feet.

I stepped on her toes left and right. I’d be perfectly in rhythm, and then somehow on a turn get all kinds of messed up. I’d learn moves from a friend, go to apply this knowledge with Jami, and fail miserably. Needless to say, I’m gonna need another lesson.

But I gotta admit, it was fun. Aside from the 10 dollar mojitos (which were worth MAYBE 5, and I’m being generous), it was a fun night. We had to leave around 11:30 cause we’re old and were starting to fade, but it’s something I’d do again, and something I think you should all try at least once. And with enough practice, dedication and hard work…you’ll be breaking Jami’s toes in no time.

Random thoughts from the last week:

• Only in Denver, could a team who toughed out two very tight games with miracle wins, and then lose to who is possibly one of the worst teams in the NFL. And that’s all I’m saying about that. Go Broncos. Please don’t lose to the Bucs on Sunday.
• If you’re ever on United Airlines, Economy Plus is totally worth the money. It was 25 bucks extra for 5 more inches of leg room. Not only that though…but they reserve rows up front for the economy plus…and it wasn’t even remotely full. I had extra legroom and my own row on the way back. Totally comfortable, and makes up for my shitty flight there.
• Jesse Williamson or Williamson Printing is one cool dude. Not only does he know more about printing than anyone should, he’s a major player in the innovation of new printing technologies. Seen the 75th anniversary Esquire magazine? Check it out, the cover uses e-ink and animates itself…that was Jesse. Light up paper is going to make huge strides in the next year or so, and you’re going to see it everywhere. My predition: you’ll be able to print a thin monitor for your computer in the next 5 years. Plus…the dude makes toys and blow-up dolls of himself. Automatic awesome.
• Thank god for the iPhone app store. It kept me entertained for many an hour while in between press checks this week. My latest find: a customizable, scrolling LED banner. Now I really can tell the driver next to me to “Get off your fucking phone and drive.”
• Freebird Burritos is up there with Illegal Pete’s. I don’t know if they’re Texas only, but if you have a chance to get one, I highly recommend it…if nothing else for the delicious queso and the sculptures all over the restaurant made out of tin foil.
• Texans freakin love their Hot Tamales. Pretty much anywhere you were, you could grab a handful from a jar nearby. They even have Texas-sized Tamales, which look like Horse-sized Pills or Anal Pleasuring Devices. Not that I’ve had experience with either…
• They’ve also never heard of Threadless, I guess, as not a day went by that I didn’t hear at least 5 “Hey, I like that shirt.” I suppose they could just be friendly…but I’m gonna go with out of touch.
• I’m jetlagged and tired as hell after a super late night and an early morning checking the press…so that’s all I got. But I got here today damn it. Tune in tomorow for substance. Hopefully.

Work, work, work…that’s all I ever do here. Take this week for example, I’m in Dallas till Wednesday on a press check. Traditionally, that means lots of waiting around, really late and/or all night checks, and sleeping on floors.

And man it’s been rough. Yesterday, I woke up leisurely at 8:30, ate a room service breakfast with a newspaper and a pot of coffee, and watched some Sportscenter and The Price is Right. Around noon, my rep picks me up and buys me lunch. Then we head in to the plant and…they’re not ready yet.

So we go to the Texas State Fair. Man work is hard. The fair included the largest car show in the west, the best damn corn dog I’ve hadbon a long time, and a 50-foot tall, talking, creepy dude named Big Tex. I took a pic, but you gotta see it in person.

Then we come back,I approve a form, an we go out for margaritas and tacos. What a long day at the office. I finished the night watching Monday Night Football and drinking the mini bar.

And if you thought that was hard, it was nothing like today. I woke up even later, and to the same routine. Got picked up at noon and had a giant burrotobwith my rep. Approved a form after lunch and had 8 hours to kill. So naturally, we went to the Dallas World Aquarium. Loose flamingos, giant manta rays and a shark tank you could walk through were some of the highlights. MAN MY JOB IS HARD.

Now I’m waiting for one more form and having a pizza brought to me, and can have my choice of beverage from the fridge.

Just another Tuesday at the office.

Got to Dallas last night around 9:45. Flight was quick and easy (like your mom). Not the most comfortable in the world though. I was in the middle. The dude next to me took up 1.3 seats. The tiny lady next to me didn’t, but sat with he legs crossed the whole flight, jamming her knee into my leg. How I slept though being crushed in a vice, I’ll never know.

Our rep from Williamson Printing picked me up in, if course, a large SUV. They love their big cars in Texas, man. Nice guy…looks like he’s 20 and sounds just like Matthew McConaghy (or however you spell that. Goes to Texas games, loves to take his shirt off…that guy). I got a crash course on Dallas. I totally recognized the skyline, I assume from
Monday Night Football. Seems like a happenin place, hopefully I’ll get to walk around a bit.

We pull up to the hotel, and I knew these guys weren’t messin around. An Oasis with a pool. Totally revamped architecture. A bar and restaurant that is obviously a hotspot for cougars. This is a classy joint. The lobby looked like the inside of a nightclub, with dim lighting and mellow trance music thumping through the speakers. I got my keys, all expenses paid for, and got to the elevator. I’m on the 4th floor…the only floor requiring a key to access.

I got to my room and was pretty excited. It was nice. Huge comfy bed. Flatscreen TV with HD cable. Modern decorations and fixtures, including lamps in the bathroom made of naked women. Fully stocked mini bar with room in the fridge for your own booze. Free wireless Internet access. This is definitely a nice place to spend the week. I even walked in to. Texas gift bag from Williamson, stocked with chips and salsa, chili-lime peanuts, and hot tamales in a Texas shaped container. Which was awesome, cause I was starving.

I’m throwing in some pics from my phone. They don’t do it justice, bit you get the idea. If you’re in Dallas, I definitely recommend Hotel Za Za.

I leave for the printer in a few minutes. More blogs to come…

Because I love you, noble readers, I took half my lunch hour today to go back and fix the categories on my blog, as they hadn’t worked since I upgraded my Wordpress software. For you…the readers…I went through all 150 posts and added categories to each one. For you. The readers. I’m just sayin, some appreciation or a frickin comment would be nice, geez…

Anyway, the point is…I had to go back and be reminded of everything I’ve written, good, bad or unviewable tripe. And my best posts, the ones I like the best, and my most read posts…always have a frickin list on them. A list of things. Top 10? Bullets? Who knows…but there’s lists.

So today, I’m doing something for all the new readers…which I know there are some out there, as Wednesday this week was my highest traffic day EVER. Below is a list of my favorite lists. Yes seriously…it’s like when your boss calls a meeting to talk about meetings and how so many meetings waste time in your day. It’s a list of lists. So in descending order, here is what I call my Top 5 Scott Speaks Lists:

5. Everything I Know, I Learned From Working At Dairy Queen – A classic favorite, where I reminisced the days of smoking dope in the walk-in, impressing ladies by holding many cones in one hand, and I believe it brought us the first…and, thank god, not last…time I used the term “tongue boner.”

4. On Hand-washing One’s Dishes – Relatively short and uncreative post, mostly because it was incredibly close to when I first bought Super Smash Bros. Brawl and couldn’t tear myself away. But upon re-reading, I chuckled a few times…nay, gaffawed at least once. So there you go.

3. 2007 – A Memoriam – This post brought not one, not two, but THREE LISTS! WHAT THE FUCK IS MY DEAL WITH WRITING LISTS?!?

2. Everything I Know, I Learned From Playing Monopoly – Now here’s a funny one. This was the original “best day ever” post, as I submitted it to Digg and stuff before I knew how to work that shit. Now I know StumbleUpon is where it’s at, cause then people are practically forced to read your posts. Need blog traffic techniques? Call me: The Traffic Whore™!

1. On Washing One’s Clothes In A Public Laundromat – I’ve heard from multiple people that this was their favorite post I’ve written. Can you blame them? It has high drama, high comedy, and high altitude. It’s pretty much family friendly too, as opposed to most posts where I saw ‘fuck’ a lot and talk about balls and hemorrhoids and stuff.

That’s it…the Greatest Hits’ Album of lists. And we made it through one week of blogging every day. What do you think, worth it?

I leave Sunday night for a press check in Dallas Texas at one of the largest printers in the nation, so we’re going to test the iPhone’s Wordpress app in taking pictures and writing posts on the go…we’ll see how that goes. Until then…have a great weekend everyone. We’ll see you Monday for Day 6. Go Broncos.

This was not just like any other Hilton Head Island trip. We were there for a very special occasion this year. My grandma turned 90 years old this year. And I absolutely guarantee you she’s in better shape than you. That’s right, at 90, she’s in better shape than you are. She rides bikes every day, plays golf nearly every day, has a hard time sitting still for anything and is constantly up and about. I wish I was half that active. The good news is this strange behavior is obviously buried in the bowels of my genes somewhere, I just need to figure out how to conjure it up.

So the entire family was there. Cousins, aunts, uncles…the whole gang. This year I got to bring Jami for the first time, so it was as if I had immediate revenge for being told on the way to my first trip to meet her family that she had 5 uncles, all of whom would harass the crap out of me. She took it like a champ, naturally. Also got to hang out with my brother and his wife, who I don’t see much of anymore, and my always entertaining 16-year-old step sister…which is a trip out of reality in and of itself.

This year we had a great condo right on the bank of a little inlet of the island, and let me tell you, I saw about 50 times more dolphins than in all my previous Hilton Head trips combined. Everytime we were near an ocean they were feeding or playing or showing off for cameras. And that wasn’t all the new sealife we saw. I had my first live-and-in-person with a sea turtle. It was not alive and was missing his fins and his head was flopping all over. I’m gonna guess shark attack, but it could have been a really bad day. It was very cool to see him up close though, they are massive, massive creatures with big, colorful shells. Finding Nemo was more accurate on the sea turtle issue than I’d expected, though I didn’t get to check for the surfer dude accent.

The other animal we saw…and by “we” I mean “Jami” and by “saw” I mean “practically got eaten for all I had known by the way she reacted when it touched her”…was a ray. Manta ray? Devil Ray? Don’t know, I’m not up-to-date on my rays, aside from the species who is about to clinch the AL East (take that, Yankees). I didn’t believe she saw it at first, as I had NEVER seen one…and keep in mind, I’ve been visiting these waters since I was 4 years old, I’ve been around some local marine life. Turns out when I went back into the water, I saw it too. Very beautiful creatures, the way they glide through the water is very majestic…the equivalent of watching the hawks soar around the carport outside my office as they stalk the pigeons. So yeah, I saw a ray and Jami almost died.

This year’s Pirate Adventure Mini-Golf tournament had a record number of entrants (8) and included a rain delay. Actually that’s not accurate…it included a FUCKING TYPHOON DELAY. I hadn’t seen rain like that in years and years, and we were stuck on the mini-golf course for it, and eventually forced to drive in it. We couldn’t see anything, the drops as loud as cannons on the car windows and the thunder stomach-rubmlingly loud. Once we got to our side of the island, we got to see the electric cloud producing all this rain, and it was a sight cooler than fireworks. The entire night sky lit up every time lightening struck, which was often. You could have read a book by it at 10:00 at night.

But the next day, when we reconvened, I edged out my little brother by ONE stroke. I won the Commemorative Eyepatch this year, buddy boy. Ha!

Other than that, it was pretty standard Hilton Head fare. Bike rides to the beach, bike rides ON the beach, bike rides through the nature preserve. A bucket of perfectly-buttered crab legs, enough fresh hush puppies to stop my heart, and more beer than I usually drink on a….actually no, I probably drank about the same amount as ever. Good lord I need to cut down.

So Grammy, whose actual birthday I think is today, Happy Happy Birthday, and may you keep smiles on our faces, hugs on our bodies and complexes about our weight on our souls for many years to come