Scott Speaks

Coffee truly is an amazing beverage. I experience many different dips in mood during the morning (as illustrated by the chart above) and coffee plays a huge factor. Of course when I first wake up, I’m grumpier than a late shift 7-11 clerk. The only thing that could make me happy is more sleep, and if that’s not an option (i.e. it’s Saturday and I slept in plenty), then the only thing that’s gonna work is coffee. The grumpiness doesn’t dwindle for quite some time. I’d say I’m grumpy up until around 9:15/9:30 on an average work day. By that time, I’ve easily finished my first travel mug of coffee, coincidentally. I take two travel mugs of coffee with me every morning, so when I suffer from extreme hypertension in 10 years, remind me it’s because of what I’m doing right now.

Around 9:30, I proceed to pour the 2nd cup of coffee into the first cup. Yes, this seems like a ridiculous, unnecessary step, but my 2nd mug, which is only in use for it’s thermal properties…sucks ass to drink out of. There’s no air hole or vent, so the coffee pours out like a milk jug turned directly upside down (go try it in the bathtub…I’ll wait.)

The second cup is usually polished off in an hour. I’m always a little sad when it happens, plus it brings a dilemma. My cereal was 3.5 hours ago and I’ve drank 32 ounces of coffee…I’m hungry, yet still want more coffee. It’s 10:30. Do I make more coffee? I mean I think I’ve had plenty by this point. Do I eat an early lunch? No, then I’ll be starving by 3:30 and won’t be able to wait until 6 for dinner. Plus, I traditionally eat around 11:15 – 11:30. I like to eat an early lunch so I have my whole afternoon to focus on work (or internet surfing, depends on the economy that week). Thus is my daily dilemma. Usually sucking it up and not doing either is the answer, but my lunch is nuked and ready to go at 11:15 if that’s the case.

Coffee also heavily influences my grocery shopping trips. I can do without most things. If I’m out of soda for my lunch, I can always buy one at work. If I’m out of milk, I’ll whine a lot about not getting my cereal, but I can be satisfied with some toast or oatmeal or leftover Pad Thai from 2 weeks ago that I forgot was in there. But coffee…now there’s something I just can’t substitute. I’ve tried energy drinks and cold coffee drinks in can, but they’re just not the same, man. Coffee’s more about the experience…the essence, the flavor, the alertness-inducing smells…not just the caffeine. If I’m desperate it’s ok…in the same way that masturbating if I can’t get sex is ok. But in both cases…it’s just not the same.

I’m a grinder. It’s whole bean or nothing at my house. Grinding the beans unlocks the full flavor and smells of the beans, and you want to keep those trapped inside as long as possible. Ground coffee…especially ground Starbucks coffee…just leaves me empty inside, and probably tastes burnt. I can’t stand most Starbucks coffees, they just don’t do it for me. I like the exotic stuff…the shade-grown Peruvian, the delightful light and dark blend of Scandinavian, the Fair Trade Organic-so-it’s-makes-me-a-better-person Mexican blend…just not the house blend, it’s like the Keystone Light of coffee. It does the job, but it can lead to bad decisions and you just feel ashamed of yourself in the morning.

Plus, it keeps me healthier than a horse (or in my case, a stressed-out, overweight horse with stomach acid problems). Coffee is filled with anti-oxidants, and has recently been shown to reduce the risk of type 2 diabetes. It has the caffeine of course, which is not only an effective mood-lifter, but an amazing way to help clear your head of headaches (and if that doesn’t work, my other favorite drink is whiskey, which always works). And, I think most importantly, it’s a diuretic that plays an important role in keeping me regular.

And I will end this post with you thinking about poop. I need some coffee.